Effing Dykes Offers: What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer lady web log which is hilarious and smart and only a little raunchy and
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. Wouldn’t be an awful idea to create aside a while and get sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you haven’t already. Just be sure you come back right here to read this post, because it’s special, as previously mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get friend. Everybody got the buddy? Great. Hold on tight towards pal’s hand.

‘Cause this really is a genuine story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, whenever I was actually therefore recently gay I didn’t have any idea I Became recently gay…

An older lesbian in the now-defunct queer club labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became completely only indeed there to dancing)


gave me some guidance:

1)


Never open a mutual checking account along with your lover



2)


You shouldn’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Make certain a woman’s nails tend to be clean.

The sensible lesbian was in her late 40’s, an age-group at this point from the my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t also envision what it must certanly be like to be thus ancient.

Exactly how sad, I Was Thinking. Right here the woman is at a bar and she’s outdated. I really hope I do not end up depressed like the girl.

Is not it enjoyable as the middle of a universe?

Exactly what some crap I was.

For reasons uknown, though, we was presented with from

Za’s


that night repeating her three rules to my self.

When I woke upwards, I imagined ones.

It was similar to within the gold Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The indicators.


Do not act like that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least once per year.

Anyhow! in recent times, i usually recalled the 3 life classes the lesbian had trained me personally. The woman guidance made feeling.

I never ever unwrapped a joint bank account with any individual.

We never faked orgasms once more after the first few occasions used to do it, recognizing I happened to be, in fact, dooming my self to a perpetual pattern of shitty sex by enjoyable poor overall performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I also usually privately examined a lady’s nails before I slept along with her.

Brief? Check.

No scratchy edges? Inspect.

Clean? It Really Is go time.

But precisely why, sluts?


What’s the fuss about nails?


What is actually while using the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Exactly What?

I mean, alright, I get it. Its more difficult to screw with lengthy fingernails. You could perhaps puncture a lung or something.

But it’s perhaps not impossible. I’ve had long fingernails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all of that tough — you just remember to utilize the pads of your hands.

Why ended up being that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

All of you, she had been



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision accomplish some debunking.

Without doubt nothing could truly happen to you if you got banged by someone with dirty fingernails.

And we recalled a tale thus terrible I would very nearly forgotten it.

Homos.

Terrible shit can occur.

This horror story relates to all of us thanks to my good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” having seen a lot more snatch in heating than a kitty hospital on Free Spay time.

All Right.

Cai


was in Miami whenever she met a tremendously hot femme we will call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks baking, used a leopard-print bikini, had massive gold hoops that shimmered for the light, and in addition held among the many finest asses


Cai


had actually ever viewed.

She secretly texted me personally a picture of

Katie

during the share so she could boast, and I also texted straight back,


“I would hit that till my hand decrease off.”

Thus, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There was basically some major sipping.

While undressing


Katie


for the half-light,


Cai


watched some thing she had not truly seen prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.

In reality,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t prevent the psychological picture of those fingernails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic sex commenced.

Cai


actually leave

Katie


bang this lady, despite the reality she normally never lets anyone accomplish that. Precisely what the hell, she figured. Heading residence the next day. Never see this lady once again. I am able to get topped for per night.

Why don’t we fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

Anything was incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Honestly, seriously wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was actually oozing from this. When I say some What i’m saying is exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming encouraging is exactly what friendship is focused on, whenever she said, I said,


“so that you eventually had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved residence, googled “the clap” and turned into convinced that she did, indeed have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time previously


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly community gyno hospital.

They did not know very well what had been wrong together.

They tried this lady for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was in some pain. She needed responses. She have been placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much per month now.

So they offered the girl an ultrasound.

AND WOULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal rips. All around the inside of the woman vag.

A whole load of tears.

Cai


had been ripped to shreds. Her insides happened to be dangling in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe paper birthday ornaments inside.

And every little thing – every last inches – was actually infected.

It could look whenever Katie utilized her fabulous extended fingernails to provide

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, nobody knew that the woman nails were in addition a festering reproduction ground for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Astonishing.

Cai


states were a stone-cold top from the time.

My companion wikipedia says you can get horrible attacks from filthy nails. Obviously, you can find occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which could trigger anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

That sensible lesbian was spot-on together life classes.

Never start a shared checking account with your partner.

Never ever phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of goodness, consider a unique technique’s nails before banging.

Or you tend to be destined to suffer the fortune of Cai.

THE END

I Must ask yourself, though…

Have any of y’all ever before gotten everything horrible from another women’s fingers?

Or heard of somebody who did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My personal hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I want solutions.